The Questionnaire
by Arty Diane
Summary: "I have a list of hypothetical situations here. I will read them and I want you to tell me how you would react in those situations." John looked uncertain for a moment, then he sighed in resignation, "Fine, ask away." When Sherlock manages to drag his friends into his social experiment, insanity ensues. Inspired by the AU stories in the Sherlock fandom! Next up: Mrs. Hudson
1. John

**Inspired by all the Sherlock AUs out there! Someday I'll finish the AU stories I'm working on, but the muse has left them and instead decided she had more fun with asking the characters odd questions. **

**What to expect: Sherlock going around and asking John, Mrs. Hudson, Lestrade and Mycroft questions regarding different supernatural situations to see how they'd react. It's an experiment! **

**If there is something in these conversations that seems like an element in your story, I'm not stealing it, I am paying tribute to that story.**

**I do not own BBC Sherlock, nor any of the AU stories that inspired this series. I just own a wacky muse!**

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John was sitting on his chair and typing on his laptop. Sherlock entered the living room and jumped in his seat in front of John. John looked over at his eccentric flat-mate. Sherlock was holding a paper in his hand and looking at John with an excited expression. John closed the lid of his laptop and put it away. He folded his hands in his lap and looked over at Sherlock expectantly.

Sherlock leaned forwards in his seat and clutched the paper, "John, I have a list of questions here that I need to ask you."

"What kind of questions?" John asked him suspiciously.

"I have a list of hypothetical situations here. I will read them and I want you to tell me how you would react in those situations."

John looked uncertain for a moment, then he sighed in resignation, "Fine, ask away."

"What would your reaction be if I told you I'm a telepath?"

"I would believe you right away, because it confirms my own theory."

"Really?" Sherlock was surprised.

"That would be an easy explanation of how you read my mind half of the time."

"You read my mind half of the time as well, John. Are _you_ a telepath?"

"I wish! Are you?"

"I did say _hypothetical_ situations, John!" Sherlock said with a glare. John was shaking with silent laughter.

"Okay, next question, John. What would you say if I told you I'm an android?"

"I'd say to ignore the crap Anderson and Donovan say and to drop it, I apologized for that outburst a million times already."

"I wasn't referring to that incident, John, what if I told you I was a real robot?"

"Then I'd tell you to stop insulting my professional pride. I sewed you up myself after you got yourself foolishly injured on a case a hundred times. I'd know if you were a robot."

Sherlock rubbed his eyes, "Just imagine, I got myself injured, and instead of blood, a weird colored liquid came out of the wound, thus proving I'm an android. What would you do?"

"Get the contact information of your manufacturer and ask them to fix you."

Sherlock tried to suppress a smile, "Alright, what would you say if I told you I had wings?"

"I'd tell you to lay off of Red Bull and stick to coffee!"

"John!" Sherlock said with a frown.

"Okay," John suppressed his laughter, "Are they dragonfly wings or angel wings?"

"They're big feathery appendages."

"How have you kept them hidden for so long?"

"I kept them wrapped around my body under my clothes."

John frowned and shook his head, "No, that would never work with angel wings, they're too bulky. You're better off with dragonfly wings."

"I don't want insect wings, I have feathery wings. What would your reaction be?" Sherlock snapped.

"Okay, calm down! I'd ask you why you bother with chasing the suspects on foot when you can fly after them and descend on their heads."

"Two reasons, first: what would be the fun in that? And second: if I flew it would give away my secret."

"That's just sad. When would you get to fly if you have to hide it?"

"I haven't thought about that." Sherlock mused, "Good job I really don't have wings then."

John nodded his agreement.

"What would you do if I told you I was a werewolf?"

"I'd keep a close track of the lunar calendar and stay away from the flat on full moons."

"Only on full moons?" Sherlock asked uncertainly.

"Yeah, you'd be harmless for the rest of the month. Well, relatively, that is…"

"What would you say if I told you I was a vampire?"

"Depends, how do you feed?"

"Um…blood bags."

"Would you want to bite me?"

"Doubtful, since our blood types don't match."

"Just out of curiosity, Sherlock, amongst our acquaintances, who has the same blood type as you?"

"I don't know, I haven't checked. So, what would be your reaction to hearing I'm a vampire?"

"Well, since you're not going to bite me, I'd suggest you clear out those body parts in the fridge to make room for your blood bags." John said with a smirk.

"What would your reaction be if I told you I was a wizard?"

"Wouldn't that get you into trouble? You know, for telling a non-magical person about that secret?"

"You're right, let me revise that," Sherlock took a pencil and made some alterations in his list, "What would your reaction be if you accidentally discovered I was a wizard?"

"That would be really awesome! I'd probably pester you to show me what you can do."

Sherlock snorted, "Next question: what would you say if I told you I was an alien from another planet?"

"As long as you wouldn't probe me, it'll be fine. It would also explain your horrid social skills."

"What would you do if I told I was a dragon?"

John paused for a moment, "Nope, I wouldn't believe that."

"Why not?"

"Meh, I can't fathom how that would be possible. I just can't wrap my head around it."

"You could entertain the idea of me being a werewolf, a vampire, a wizard, an alien from outer space, and a winged entity, but you can't 'wrap your head around' the idea of me being a dragon?"

"What can I say, I have my limits."

"Well, too bad, because I'm a dragon."

"Really?" John was not impressed, "How big are you?"

"A great deal larger than this body you see!"

"And how is that possible?"

"The same way the TARDIS's inside is bigger than its outside."

"But that…well…actually, that makes sense. Okay then, do you breathe fire?"

"Only when I get frustrated."

"Hmm…I think I need to find some fire proof clothes then. Just, try not to sing me, Sherlock, will you?"

"I'll try."

"Do you eat anything special?"

"I usually eat what humans eat in this form. I can hunt when I'm in my dragon form."

"Do you have a treasure?"

"Yes, but it's not in the flat."

"Of course, because you don't want to clutter the flat more than it already is!"

"You have no idea."

"You're not a dragon, are you?"

"No, John, I'm not."

"It would have been interesting if you were though." John said wistfully, "So, is there a point to this questionnaire? Is there something I need to know about you?"

"Yes."

"Care to share it?"

"Can you deduce it, John?"

"Okay, telepath, android, wings, werewolf, vampire, alien, dragon…Oh my god Sherlock, you're a _nerd_!"

"Excellent deduction, John. What are you going to do now?"

"Let me ask _you_ a question. What do you deduce from my answers to that list?"

Sherlock reviewed their discussion quickly, then his head snapped up, "You're a nerd too!"

"Wow, we're so compatible. We should hang out or something."

"We are _flat-mates_ John."

"Oh well, that saves us a lot of hassle, doesn't it?"

"Would you want to join me when I'm going to ask other people these questions?"

"Of course I would! Just don't include anything about Star Wars."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a Jedi, I don't want my cover to be blown." John said with mock seriousness.

Sherlock stared at John for a moment, then he shook his head at his nerd of a flat-mate.

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**What did you think? Should I let the muse have free rain to finish this series?**


	2. Mrs Hudson

**Happy Halloween everyone!**

**So, here is Mrs. Hudson't turn to go through the questionnaire! It is also an attempt to fulfill the challenge set in Mrs. Hudson's kitchen, that was set because of Benedict Cumberbatch's odd challenge. Here's the challenge:**

_**Write a story including: **__**Sherlock**__**, **__**Doctor 11, and Loki **__**that includes a purple scarf and contains sexual ennuendo.**_

**I don't know if it meets the requirements, but here it is...**

**I don't own BBC Sherlock, nor any of the AU stories out there. I just own a teasing muse!**

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"Yoo hoo!" Mrs. Hudson called as she entered the living room of 221B. She looked around as she was met with silence. "That's odd," She said to herself, "I'm sure I heard those two not twenty minutes ago, and I didn't hear them leaving. Where are they?"

She turned around to go back to her flat and continue knitting the purple scarf she had been working on, when she was almost run over by her two lunatic tenants.

"Mrs. Hudson!" They said simultaneously with identical grins on their faces. "Just the person we were looking for!" John said cheerfully.

Mrs. Hudson narrowed her eyes in suspicion, "Boys, what did you do?"

"We made a questionnaire, and we need you to answer it." Sherlock said pleasantly.

"Oh," Mrs. Hudson was taken aback, "I did not expect that."

"Excellent," Sherlock said while he gently led her to sit on an armchair, "Here is how this works. We tell you some hypothetical situations, and you tell us how you would react in those situations."

"Um," She hesitated for a moment. Just then John handed her a cup of tea and sat beside Sherlock on the sofa facing her. She looked at their excited and slightly mischievous expressions. She shook her head and smiled. At least this activity did not damage her walls! "Alright boys, ask away!"

Sherlock straightened the papers in his hands and began to read, "What would your reaction be if we told you we were vampires?"

Sherlock saw Mrs. Hudson's face lift in delight, fall at hearing the last word, then fill with confusion. "Well that's an odd question dear. Why would you ask that?"

"It's for a research I'm conducting." Sherlock answered her smoothly.

"It covers all kinds of odd topics Mrs. Hudson." John supplied.

She looked at them for a moment and assessed the situation. Then she let out a long-suffering sigh, "Would that involve blood spatters on the flat's walls?"

"Not more than-oof!" Sherlock was cut off in the middle of his sentence by John's elbow in his ribs. He cleared his throat, "It'll be in the kitchen where we can clean it after our meals would be done."

"How are you going to clean the roof?" Mrs. Hudson asked casually.

"How high do you expect a blood bag too shoot liquid?" John asked incredulous.

"So that's how you're going to feed!" She said with relief, "Well that's alright then, as long as you clean after yourselves."

"Aren't you worried one of us might bite you?" Sherlock asked skeptically.

"Oh no dear, I don't think you'd like the taste of the herbal soothers I take." She answered airily.

John and Sherlock stared at her, then they exchanged a look, shrugged and turned back to her.

"Alright Mrs. Hudson," Sherlock went on, "How would you feel if we told you we were werewolves?"

"Both of you?"

"Is that too much?" John asked.

"How do you two get along?" She inquired.

"The same way we do now, I suppose…" John answered, not sure what she was aiming at.

"Even when you're in your wolf form? Wouldn't that cause a clash between you?"

"Well, that depends on which mythology you are basing your arguments on." Sherlock mused.

"And what would you do when you are a wolf?"

"I forgot to ask you that when you were asking me the questions, Sherlock" John told his friend, "Do we stay in our rooms, or go to a safe house out of town."

"You're talking about the uncontrollable wolves' strain." Sherlock answered him.

"Which mythology did you have in mind, Twilight?" John retorted.

"Maybe." Sherlock said tantalizingly.

"They're not actually werewolves, they're shape-shifters." John informed him.

"Don't tell me you had the Harry Potter version in mind." Sherlock said with an eye roll.

"Hey, if Lupin can't control it, how do _you_ expect to do it?" John retorted

"You need to reach a compromise so we can move on." Mrs. Hudson informed them, "And have your background information ready if you're going to make others participate in your research."

John nodded, "Alright, as far as I know, in the majority of the stories, the wolf is unmanageable."

"Then we'd need a safe house out of the city." Sherlock said while writing on the fringe of the paper in his hand.

"Glad that's sorted then." Mrs. Hudson said good-humoredly while taking a sip from her tea.

"So, how would you feel about us being werewolves?" John asked.

"As long as I don't have to deal with the wolves' mess, I wouldn't have a problem." She answered him calmly.

"Wouldn't you be worried that we might miss our schedule or something?" John said skeptically.

"No, because in the unlikely event that Sherlock forgets it, you'd make sure he remembers it." She said confidently.

"What would you say if we said we were involved with time traveling?" Sherlock pressed on.

Mrs. Hudson's face fell at the end of the sentence, then she cocked her head, "How so?"

"I'm a time lord and John is my companion. We travel to different time periods and come back to this time line."

"But John is the doctor here." Mrs. Hudson pointed out.

"I don't see how that is relevant." Sherlock deadpanned.

"It's okay Mrs. Hudson. Sherlock's too fond of the idea of a TARDIS, what with its being bigger on the inside."

"I don't know what to say." Mrs. Hudson said bemused, "'You have good timing' I suppose, I never noticed any abnormally long absences."

"So you'd be okay with that?" John prodded.

"As long as you don't bring along any nasty creatures to the flat." She replied smoothly.

"What if something accidentally comes along?" John pressed.

"Then you'd handle it. Without destroying the flat-or the city, that is." She said firmly.

"Alright, next question: How would you react if you were informed one of us had the ability to become invisible." Sherlock asked.

"Which one of you exactly?"

"Me" Sherlock answered.

"Then I'd be very, _very_ worried! You walk as silently as a ghost as it is, I shudder to think what you'd do if you could turn invisible as well!" She said sternly.

"Not to mention your collection of disguises would become obsolete." John added good-humoredly.

"And if it was John?" Sherlock pressed on with his question.

"That wouldn't be a problem. As long as you can keep it a secret and he wouldn't do anything too reckless."

"You wouldn't worry about me pulling any pranks?" John asked with a snigger.

"No." came the simultaneous reply of Mrs. Hudson and Sherlock.

"I feel like I should be offended." John said, crossing his arms. "Care to explain?"

"I'm sure you wouldn't get up to any mischief in my flat, dear. You're too polite for that." Mrs. Hudson replied.

"And I can deduce your whereabouts from the indentation on the carpet and the movement of air, so you wouldn't be able to catch me unawares." Sherlock said confidently.

John's lips twitched, "Sure, that shows how well you know me!" He told Sherlock mischievously.

Sherlock cast him a sideways glance, "I feel I should be worried."

"You should be, you just issued me a challenge!" John answered him with an impish grin.

Mrs. Hudson giggled in delight and sipped her tea in an attempt to stifle them.

Sherlock narrowed his eyes at him, then returned his attention to his papers. "Alright, moving on. Mrs. Hudson, what would your reaction be if we informed you that we were shape-shifters?"

"You mean you can turn into animals?" She inquired.

"Precisely."

"What do you change into? A cat perhaps?"

"Actually I was thinking-"

"You'd make a lovely cat, Sherlock dear! A lean tuxedo cat with long fur, with your eyes it'll be a perfect combination." She chattered.

Sherlock was dumbstruck, and John had his hand firmly clasp against his mouth and shaking violently from his suppressed laughter. Sherlock glared at him, and that only served to intensify the shaking. Sherlock looked back at Mrs. Hudson, "What would John be then?"

Mrs. Hudson scrutinized John for a moment, "A golden retriever." She said and nodded to herself. That promptly ended John's mirth. Sherlock smirked at him.

"So, Mrs. Hudson, how would you feel if we told you we were something else? That we-"

Mrs. Hudson perked up, "You mean that you were a c-"

"-were non humans," Sherlock continued.

Mrs. Hudson frowned, "Weren't all of your questions along that line?"

Sherlock looked down at his paper and clicked his tongue in annoyance, "I should correct this." He muttered as he did that, "Let me correct that: if we were aliens."

"Like Asgardians?"

"What species is that?" Sherlock asked confused.

"You know, Thor and Loki and their clan." Mrs. Hudson explained.

"Aren't they Norse gods?"

"That new movie said they were aliens." She replied.

"You saw that Mrs. Hudson?" John asked amazed.

"Of course I did, dear. Just because I'm past my prime doesn't mean I live under a rock!" She said cockily.

"Wow, you're full of surprises Mrs. Hudson!" John said with a smile, then he turned to Sherlock, "We can add that to the questionnaire."

Sherlock looked reluctant, John furrowed his brow, "You don't like Norse mythology?"

"I have nothing against it; my aversion to that question is because people have the tendency to compare me to Loki." He whined.

"Yes, you do resemble that actor!" Mrs. Hudson said with delight, "And your name can be shortened to that!"

"See what I mean?" Sherlock grumbled. John nodded.

"Actually, we had something along the line of the Star Trek aliens in mind." John said in an attempt to bring the conversation to its previous direction.

"With all the odd things going on in your flat, I'll believe you straight away." She replied easily, "And I guess I should be glad Sherlock doesn't use a phaser in the flat when he's in a mood."

Both Sherlock and John snorted at her comment.

Mrs. Hudson put her empty tea cup on the coffee table, "I'd like to suggest some questions of my own, if it's okay." She reached a hand towards Sherlock's papers and pen.

Sherlock handed them to her, "By all means. What are your questions? We thought adding wizards and wings would make it too long and the mind-reading one was- oh, finished already?" Sherlock took back the questionnaire and read the lines added by his landlady.

"What are the questions Sherlock? Read them." John urged.

"John," Sherlock held the papers tightly to his chest and held his friend's gaze, "You must promise not to kill anyone after you read them."

"Why, what are they?" John asked suspicious.

"I'll let you read them if you promise to stay calm." Sherlock did not relent.

Mrs. Hudson looked on with interest.

John struggled with himself for a moment. At last his curiosity won over, "Okay, I promise. Now let me see them."

Sherlock reluctantly handed him the papers. John looked over the papers eagerly and when he found Mrs. Hudson's questions his eyes widened. "I can't b-"

"John, be gentle." Sherlock chided.

"Mrs. Hudson, how could you?" John squeaked.

"You said hypothetical, what's the problem dear?" Mrs. Hudson said cheerfully.

"'If we were involved in a relationship?', 'If we were a couple?', 'If were to marry each other?' Why, Mrs. Hudson?" John wailed.

"If I am to have vampires, werewolves, aliens, time travelers, shape-shifters, or invisibles as tenants, why can't I have married ones?"

Sherlock was torn between embarrassment and amusement, while John was completely mortified, "Oh God, if this is our land lady's theory, no wonder everyone else thinks we're together!" John lamented.

"I made my assumptions based on the evidence presented to me, isn't that what you two do?" Mrs. Hudson said innocently.

"What evidence?" John asked frantically.

"The questions you asked me, of course. In all of them you had the same circumstances." She pointed out. Sherlock looked over his questionnaire while Mrs. Hudson continued, "_Both_ of you area vampires or werewolves, you're _both_ shape-shifters, you time travel _together_."

"That's because we're already flat-mates and solve crimes together." John countered.

"And I checked with John before, he has no problem if I was any supernatural being." Sherlock informed her.

"What if you were two different species, one was a werewolf while the other was a vampire?" Mrs. Hudson pressed.

"Mixing the species would make for too many possibilities that would result in too many questions and confusing the participant." Sherlock replied.

"Admit it, you can't handle being at odds with each other, just get married and have it over with!" She said casually.

"Mrs. Hudson!" John said incredulous. "Does nothing we say have any effect on your opinion?"

"Hmm," Mrs. Hudson appeared to consider that for a moment, then she looked at them with a smile, "No! Besides, I expect grandchildren from you soon!"

Sherlock looked utterly confused, "How can you expect that? That's biologically impossible!"

"You're a genius, dear; you know there are a lot of ways to achieve that."

Sherlock regarded Mrs. Hudson with apprehension. John hid his face in his hands and groaned. Sherlock nudged John and asked him in an undertone, "Did you put anything in her tea?"

"No!" John bellowed, "My social life is over! Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go and bash my head against a wall or something."

"But that would kill off your brain cells." Sherlock said in a monotone, still stunned from Mrs. Hudson's last statement.

"Exactly, then my life would be a lot more relaxing." John said grumpily.

Mrs. Hudson burst into laughter. John and Sherlock looked at her with identical expressions of confusion on their faces. She calmed herself down a bit, "Oh my, making you flustered was so amusing! I should do that more often!" She said with a chuckle.

"You're devious!" John said with narrowed eye.

"Oh, cheer up dear! You wouldn't deny an old lady a laugh now, would you?" She told him cheerfully.

"You had us worried for a moment there, Mrs. Hudson." Sherlock said, relief evident in his voice.

"Well, what can I say, you have rubbed off on me." She said with a wink as she got up and made for the door, "Though, I was a nerd long before you two came along!"

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**Still not shipping them! I guess Mrs. Hudson was getting back at them for shooting her wall and leaving toes in the fridge, and disturbing her piece and...**

**I can't believe some of the AUs that slipped in there! Even reading summaries can affect the muse, but it was a whole lot of fun to write!**

**Thank you for all your encouraging reviews! Next up is Lestrade.**


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